


Love is a four-letter word

by chibisora



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bandom - Freeform, Falling In Love, M/M, Ryden, au because I used real time situations of the band but to fit my timeline and story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 09:16:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11711400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibisora/pseuds/chibisora
Summary: Love? His mom told him that love is when you care so much for someone that their happiness and safety mattered to you more than your own. She said that love was when there was only one cinnamon cookie left and his dad would give it to him instead of eating it himself. You would never purposely do harm to someone you love, she said. Love, was when daddy made her coffee and he takes a sip first to make sure it tastes ok. To love someone is to never want to be away from them, not even a minute. “Most importantly, love is never selfish, Ryan.”And that, if you were ever going to say it to anyone, you should be sure that you mean it.“It’s a very powerful word, sweetheart. Be careful who you say it to.”On the way back home he asks her, “Do you love me, mommy?”To which she replies, “More than I’ve ever loved anything.”And Ryan thinks he’s got it pretty good. Until four years later when his mom leaves him with an alcoholic dad.





	Love is a four-letter word

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my God. This small little story took me months to write. I tagged this story as an AU because as I mentioned in the tags, I'm using some of the actual situations but putting them wherever they fit in my story, my timeline. I hope you enjoy this and please, leave your feedback in the comments. Thank you.

I love you.

Three simple words that were constantly being exchanged by people. Parents to their kids and vice versa, friends, grandparents, it’s even said to animals. The first time Ryan remembers hearing those words was when he was three years old in his arts & crafts afterschool class. It was fifteen minutes until their parents came to pick them up and Miss Amy always gave them this time to create as they please. He was coloring with a five-year-old girl at his table when she said, “I love Miss Amy, so I’m making this picture for her.”

Which caused the other three five-year-old girls in his class to come rushing to their table.

“Me too!”

“I’m going to make her a card with a big heart!”

“Hey, I was going to do that. You can’t copy my idea, I’m telling!”

The four kindergarten girls were near shouting when Ryan spoke up.

“What’s love mean?”

His question made them quiet and sour expressions washed over their faces. Lily, his classmate who started all this commotion, snatched his paper from right in front of him.

“If you don’t know what it is then how are you going to draw it?” And with that, the girls walked away leaving behind a very confused three-year-old boy.

He looked over towards the table across from his and saw Ray quietly working on what seemed to be an airplane. He was the calmer one out of all the Kindergarteners in this art class, and perhaps the kindest one too.

“Ray, what is love?”

The little boy looked up and smiled at Ryan. “I’ll show you!” he said and wrote out the letters L-O-V-E on the corner of his paper.

“That’s what love is?”

“Yup! Love is a four-letter word.”

-

The second time he heard it was later that same year when he and his mom went to an ice cream shop. Two tables away there was a girl and her grandfather. He didn’t know what the conversation was but suddenly, the girl jumped from her seat and shouted “Grandpa, I love you!” And well, it had to mean something good if the grandfather’s face was anything to go by.

He remembers asking his mother what that word meant. Because as far as Ray’s explanation had gone, Ryan doesn’t think just four letters can make someone that happy. Ryan couldn’t read yet but he knew some sounds and he never got that happy over four letters. So, why did people say it to each other? His mother replied that letting someone know how much you feel for them can make them happy.

Happiness, Ryan understood. Happiness was when he woke up every Sunday to his mom’s singing in the kitchen while she makes pancakes. Happiness was when his dad took him out to play catch in their back yard. Happiness is when he went on long trips with both his parents, laughing along with them in the car.

Love? His mom told him that love is when you care so much for someone that their happiness and safety mattered to you more than your own. She said that love was when there was only one cinnamon cookie left and his dad would give it to him instead of eating it himself. You would never purposely do harm to someone you love, she said. Love, was when daddy made her coffee and he takes a sip first to make sure it tastes ok. To love someone is to never want to be away from them, not even a minute. “Most importantly, love is never selfish, Ryan.”

And that, if you were ever going to say it to anyone, you should be sure that you mean it.

“It’s a very powerful word, sweetheart. Be careful who you say it to.”

On the way back home he asks her, “Do you love me, mommy?”

To which she replies, “More than I’ve ever loved anything.”

And Ryan thinks he’s got it pretty good. Until four years later when his mom leaves him with an alcoholic dad.

\---

He was seven years old the day his mom left. His parents were fighting, they always were. Mommy would say that daddy was mean when he drank, and he always drank too much. And at seven years old, Ryan wasn’t sure what mommy meant by ‘drinking too much’. All he knew was that his dad was always carrying around brown bottles. “Grown up drinks.” He’d say whenever Ryan asked what they were.

These grown up drinks would make his daddy yell at his mom. These drinks would make his daddy mad enough to break things in their house. One night he had heard his mom screaming in the kitchen and he ran out of his room. His dad had his hand around his mom’s wrist, and she was screaming at him to let go. Ryan started running towards her only to have her yell at him to stay in his room until it was safe. And a seven-year-old didn’t understand why being in the kitchen with his parents would be dangerous.

One night, after another round of yelling, Ryan went out to check on his mom. He found her kneeling on the floor, silently crying. He wanted so badly to help her, but he didn’t know how. Because a seven-year-old doesn’t understand why his dad would do this to his mom. It would be the last time Ryan would see his mother in that state or in any state, because come the next morning she would leave this life behind and her son along with it.

So maybe when she said she loved him, she probably didn’t mean it.

\--

His mom once told him that love is when you care so much for someone that their happiness and safety mattered to you more than your own.

And if his mom didn’t love him, Ryan thinks that maybe his dad just might. Because even though he still drank heavily, George would take him to school and buy him his supplies and made sure he had to eat just like any other parent would. He wasn’t doing a bad job raising him, all things considered.

But then one day, when he was ten years old, his dad hit him. And his mom once told him that when you love someone you’d never purposely hurt them. The first time his dad lay a hand on him was when Ryan had just come home from school with a bad mark on a test, and that meant he had to get it signed by his father. He presented the piece of paper to him when they were eating Chinese take out on their couch, his dad already inebriated. 

“What the hell is this?” George smacked the paper with his hand and waved it towards his son.  

The big, fat, “D” was just looming over his head, taunting him. It’s not that he hadn’t tried to study, he did. But Spencer had gotten a new video game that week and he just had to go play with him. He didn’t mean to forget. Ryan tried explaining that to his dad but all it earned him was a rough slap on his cheek. He froze as he felt the sting left by George’s hand. Ryan didn’t want to move, he was too scared. His dad had never hit him before. He’s gotten yelled at plenty of times, but hit? This was new and Ryan didn’t know how to take it.

His dad froze for a second, as if he might have felt a little remorse after hitting his son but that didn’t last long as he took a step closer to his child with a sneer on his face. “Go to your damn room. The next time you get a mark like that don’t expect to be let off so easy!” His words were slurred and he wobbled a bit as he tried to take his seat on the couch again. Ryan ran upstairs with tears running down his face.

So maybe his dad didn’t mean it either when he would say those three words to him right before bed. And after that first hit, those three words were said less and less.

-

Ryan is seventeen years old when Spencer tells him he’s fallen in love. Hayley, he says, is beautiful and kind and he thinks he might love the girl enough to want to marry her. And Ryan feels happy for him because Hayley said she loved his best friend back. And seeing them together just might change the way he thinks of love. That is, until one day he goes to Spencer’s house to find him crying over the fact that Hayley broke up with him. She said she didn’t love him anymore, even though a week ago she had been saying the opposite.

And Ryan thinks that maybe she shouldn’t have ever said it back if she never really meant it.

-

At eighteen he and Spencer had decided to form a band. They’d been playing music together since they were twelve and Ryan decided that it was time for them to finally give it a real shot. They needed a guitarist still, but Brent said he knew a guy and so now they’re waiting for both in Spencer’s garage.

The first thing Ryan hears their new member say is “Dude, I’m so excited! This definitely beats singing at church.” and honestly, Ryan didn’t have much hope that a church boy would fit into the band they’re trying to form.  But then Brent introduces him, and his name is Brendon and he’s seventeen and knows how to play guitar. And somehow, it’s decided that day that he’s their new guitar player.

It’s their fifth time rehearsing as a real band when Ryan realizes Brendon could sing. It’s been a bad day for him. His dad was livid when he got home over some lost bet and Ryan had the misfortune of being home at the wrong time. It wasn’t a hard hit, at least not as hard as other blows he’s been given in the past. But it leaves Ryan in a pool of anxiety, because it’s been a while since this has happened. And there’s a mark on his arm and Spencer is going to see and he’s going to ask. And Ryan doesn’t want to deal with this in front of his new bandmate and Brent.

When he gets to Spencer’s garage, he’s glad to see that the others aren’t there yet. Because he’s still trembling and he feels an attack coming and he doesn’t want to be around the others when it happens. And Ryan wants to let himself cry his panic attack out but then he hears it, and it’s like nothing he’s ever heard before. There’s singing, Brendon’s singing. From the bathroom. And his voice is different, with a tremble that Ryan thinks might be on purpose, but all it does is add uniqueness to the voice. And his voice makes Ryan forget about his dad and this whole mess of a day.

When Brendon comes out of the bathroom the first thing Ryan asks him is, “Why didn’t you tell us you could sing?”

“I didn’t know I could.”

And just like that, Ryan asks Brendon to be his voice.

\--

He’s nineteen when he realizes that he may be falling for one of his best friends and it’s terrifying the shit out of him. He and Brendon have gotten close throughout their first year as a band. The kid was hyper active, obnoxious, didn’t know how to sit still or when to shut up. All qualities that Ryan couldn’t stand but with Brendon, he didn’t seem to mind them as much. Because when things in his head became too much and he was trapped in his own thoughts, Brendon would come barging in with a song, a story, and most times just nonsense. And when he did that, Ryan’s brain would stop focusing on all the negative things in his head.

He’d start focusing on other things. Like the way that Brendon’s laugh makes him look like he’s in physical pain. If it were anyone else, Ryan would find his laughter obnoxious but he doesn’t. He’s very endeared by this boy and the way he just seems to enjoy life, despite the punches it’s thrown at him.

When Brendon told his Mormon parents that he’d be pursuing a career in a rock band, they had kicked him out of their home. And he remembers Brendon in front of his door step with tears running down his cheeks. Ryan remembers being frightened, thinking someone had hurt this boy. This boy who so desperately tries to please those around him. And not because he was a kiss ass, but because he genuinely wanted to make others happy for their own sake. And Ryan was always baffled by this because he’s never known anyone like him.

And so, when his crying friend appeared before him, Ryan was ready to take on whoever hurt him. But then Brendon says the reason for his tears are his parents and well, Ryan doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I know it’s because they love me, and they’re worried. But I wish they could just let me give this a chance.”

And Ryan wants to so badly tell him that no, his parents don’t love him. Because love isn’t supposed to be selfish. Loving someone is putting their happiness and needs before your own. And Brendon’s parents cared more about their own dreams they had for their son rather than letting him try out something he’s passionate about.

But he doesn’t say it, he can’t. Because if he does, Ryan’s fear is that it’ll only hurt his friend more.

And that’s what started it all, if he’s being honest. The more time that passed the more it was coming to his attention that’d he’d do anything to make Brendon smile or laugh. Like when they first moved in together, Ryan had been saving money for a new mattress because the one he had was shit and was making his back hurt. Not surprising, considering it came with their shitty apartment. And yeah it was fucking gross to sleep on a mattress used by strangers, but they were eighteen and the band wasn’t making them real money just yet.

One day Brendon exclaimed, “Oh, dude! You know what we should get? A toaster oven! It cooks shit better than our microwave does.”

Brendon went on for a whole week raving about toaster ovens and how convenient they were. He even ended up getting Jon interested in one. And it was a stupid thing that he knew Brendon could live without, but when the day came that Ryan had set out to buy a new mattress, he came home with a toaster oven instead. The way that Brendon’s face lit up when he saw the box was worth all the backaches and bad posture.

And it was always stupid little things like that. A toaster oven, a bathroom rug in the shape of a stormtrooper, getting chocolate chip cookies instead of the cinnamon ones. Anything that would put even a slight smile on his face, Ryan would go out of his way to do it. And it wasn’t always material things. Sometimes it was things that he said or did that made Brendon smile. Like when Halloween came around and Ryan didn’t want to dress up. Brendon was bitching to him about how fucking lame he was for not participating in the fun. And at first, Ryan didn’t give a shit, because Halloween stopped being fun in his household very early on in his life. But when he went with Spencer to get his costume, Ryan saw a banana suit and that was that.

Brendon’s face was red and brimming with tears when he saw Ryan in the costume. And his friends and the others at this party all laughed at him because what the hell, he looked like a fucking idiot. But Brendon was losing his shit laughing and Ryan couldn’t help himself from letting out a giggle.

Things started getting worse for Ryan when Brendon started playing with him on stage. There was always banter between the four of them and a whole lot of jokes while performing. But then Brendon started teasing him with kisses, or attempted kisses. And he knew it was all just for show, something fun for the fans to talk about, but a small part of him wished that there was a deeper meaning behind it all.

These stage antics were tame for the most part, and the fans were used to seeing it. They even started calling them a combined version of their names, which Brendon found fucking hilarious.

“Imagine if we were really dating. The fans would lose their shit.” They were sitting in their dressing room, waiting for the support band to finish their set.

“I think you guys would be cute together.” Says Jon. And Ryan can’t figure out whether he’s serious with his comment.

“Hell yeah, but Ross doesn’t deserve me. I’m too good for him.”

“Shut the fuck up. It’s not like I’d go for you anyway.” And he wouldn’t, despite how much he wants to. Because Brendon is right, he’s way too good for him. And liking your male best friend is so damn wrong.

They’ve changed the subject to video games when Spencer pipes up with, “I don’t think it’d be a good idea for you two to date. It could mess everything up.” His best friend is starting at him as he says this and that’s how Ryan knows Spencer’s on to him. And this makes him wonder if Spencer just knows about Ryan’s feelings for their singer, or if he also sees something intimate with the way Brendon acts around him too.

“Nah, I think they’d work out. I think they could make it.” Jon says, and again Ryan doesn’t know if he’s being serious or not. And he doesn’t know why they’re talking about his hypothetical relationship with Brendon. It’s getting him nervous and he’s about to tell them to change the stupid subject but then Brendon laughs.

He laughs and says that in another universe they’re totally dating. And Ryan’s trying not to scream out at the comment. And then Brendon says that in this universe, however, he’s probably going to marry this girl he’s been seeing. And there’s confusion going around because since when has Brendon been dating? “A few weeks now. I didn’t want to say anything if I didn’t think it was going anywhere. She’s fucking hot, and she’s cool.”

Audrey, he says, is amazing and funny and he could really see a future with her despite being so young. Audrey loves music. Audrey loves to dance. Audrey loves to live life to the fullest. Brendon says that he’d be willing to offer her everything one day.

Ryan wants to cry and Brendon just laughs and laughs and laughs.

-

“Do you think we’ll be in love forever?”

Jac’s sitting on his bed with the latest issue of Vogue. They’re on break from touring right now and so Ryan is spending his time with his girlfriend of three months. Her question makes him uncomfortable because it’s only been three months. And three months just isn’t enough time for him to decide whether he loves her or not.

He’s reminded of Spencer and his ex-girlfriend Hayley and how she broke his heart. He’s reminded of his parents and how at some point they promised to love each other until death. He thinks about his mother and how she left them both. And he thinks about his father who did the best he could to raise him, but who also used him as a punching bag from time to time.

And Ryan thinks about love and what his mother told him it meant. He just doesn’t understand how you know if you really love someone or you’re just pretending to.

“Well, you can’t really tell those things, can you? You just never know.” And apparently that was the wrong thing to say because in the next moment, Jac is angry and screaming, demanding to know where this is going. And Ryan just doesn’t know, because you could be with someone for three months or twelve years and still not mean those three words.

-

Things between him and Brendon have grown a little tense. Not long after he and Jac broke up, so did Audrey and Brendon. His best friend’s break up had nothing to do with Ryan, but the girls both took it upon themselves to chat with fans online. And what Audrey was saying to fans about her relationship with Brendon? Well, it was driving Ryan a bit insane.

**he always wanted to have butt sex i think he might be bisexual. i wouldn’t let him though**

**him and ryan probably do now I honestly think there was something going on**

And no, nope. Nothing to do with butts was happening between them. Ryan would know, he’s pretty sure. There’s not a lot that makes Ryan blush but these comments right here had his face boiling. And it wasn’t as if he hasn’t thought about it, but it’s not something he lets himself _constantly_ think about.

**whenever i was on tour i’d wake up and they would be sitting at the lounge together at 7am**

**he said they were “just best friends” but he’d rather sleep with ryan in the lounge then me sometimes in his bed**

And this is what really gets Ryan’s brain scrambling. This is what may lead him to believe that Audrey wasn’t bullshitting, because the last comment right here is true. Brendon would leave her in his bunk alone most nights she stayed. And it was just to join Ryan in the bus lounge. And alright, it was a little bit his fault, but Brendon didn’t have to listen.

Ryan had trouble sleeping at night. Call it stress, paranoia from his childhood, their hectic tour schedule. Whatever you want to call it, he can’t fucking sleep. And when he can’t bring himself to sleep, Ryan escapes his bunk and sits on the small couch in the lounge. Sometimes he just sits there and reads his books. When things become too much in his head, he takes out a notebook and writes out some lyrics. Some of his best work was written in that lounge in the middle of the night. And one night, Brendon catches him and joins him. That would be the first of many nights in that lounge with their lead singer.

_“What are you doing out here? It’s like three in the morning.” It’s 2:57am to be exact and even in the middle of the fucking night, Brendon doesn’t know how to use an indoor voice. Ryan slightly flinches as Brendon plops down on the seat next to him._

_“I can’t sleep.”_

_“So, you decide to sit alone in the dark?”_

_“Better than laying alone in a shitty bunk.”_

_“You could have asked me to join you.” Brendon says with a wink and Ryan wants to punch him in the face. He’s been trying really hard lately to suppress his feelings for his bandmate, and Brendon saying stupid jokes like that just doesn’t help his situation. He doesn’t bother replying to the joke and goes back to writing. It’s going to be a good song, he thinks. Maybe he’ll use it for their next album._

_“Hey, c’mon. Tell me what’s wrong. Are you and Jac fighting?”_

_“This has nothing to do with Jac!”_

_“Alright, okay. I’m sorry. I’m just worried man. Are you having trouble sleeping again, you know, like before?” Like before. Like when they first moved in together and Ryan was more of a mess than he is now. When Ryan used to be so fucking paranoid at night that sometimes he’d go twenty-four hours without sleep. Or those few nights he did manage to enter the realm of sleep, he’d have nightmares. Honestly, fuck his dad for causing this anxiety._

_During those nights, it was comforting having Brendon near. The only person in the world he’s been completely honest with about everything is Spencer, but during the time that he and Brendon lived together, their lead singer became privier to Ryan’s home life and childhood. So, yes. At this point Brendon was somewhat of an expert at dealing with Ryan’s fucked up brain._

_But Ryan wasn’t that messed up kid anymore. Sure, he still had bouts of anxiety and shit but he was okay. Things are so much better now. He’s doing what he loves most with the people that he loves most. He’s okay._

_Ryan isn’t exactly thinking when his response comes out. He blames the lack of sleep for the no brain to mouth filter. And it may not even be necessarily true anymore but a part of him wants to guilt trip Brendon into spending the night with him in this lounge. And he knows it’s selfish of him but Ryan doesn’t give a shit. He’s tired and grumpy and just wants some attention from this boy he’s falling for more each day. And he’s knows that’s really fucking wrong too._

_“Yeah, well you were always there with me so it was easier to sleep at night.”_

_And Brendon stares at him with an unreadable expression until he slowly cracks a smile. “I’m the reason for your sleeping troubles, Ross?” He throws his head back with a laugh and pulls Ryan by his shoulders. “If you needed a little cuddle all you had to do was ask.”_

_“Ugh! Forget I said anything. Just go to your fucking bunk!” He says and starts pulling away from the kid._

_“Hey! Wait, I’m being serious. If you need me to be able to sleep then just- this couch can fit us both. More than those bunks can. We used to live together remember? I know you can’t sleep sometimes. It’s okay. I’m still here if you need me.”_

_And Ryan wants to hate him. He wants to hate him for the things he says and for the way he looks at him, so fucking sincere. As if there’s nowhere else he’d rather be than right here, with Ryan in their small ass bus lounge at ass o’ clock in the morning._

_“C’mon.” And he lets himself be pulled down to Brendon’s side._

_“This is weird.”_

_“No, it’s not. It’s just us.”_

_It’s just them. And a shit ton of people and reasons that keep coming in between._

And after that first time, their nights in the bus lounge started becoming frequent. Even the nights where Ryan found himself having an easy time, they’d still end up in the lounge at some point in the night. So he can see why Audrey would be fed up with that. Because all the times when this happened, she’d be on the bus with them. And Brendon would leave his girlfriend sleeping alone to come join his bandmate on a small and uncomfortable couch.

As off course as Audrey was with the whole butt thing, she isn’t wrong about this one. Her comments didn’t stop there, though.

**i wouldn’t be surprised if he used me as a cover**

**sucks for him more i’d hate to be famous and try to hide that i’m gay**

**he’s probably embarrassed since all his fans are so young they would be confused**

**hahaha no clue about ryan i bet brendon knows**

A pathetic part of him wishes some of these statements were true. However, as far as he’s concerned, Ryan is in no way in a secret relationship with Brendon. His friend isn’t gay nor interested. Ryan isn’t sure that he himself is gay either. He’s never had crushes on guys before. It’s just Brendon. It’s just him fucking his whole world up.

Ever since Jac and Audrey started saying shit like this to their fans, Brendon’s been avoiding him like the plague. And Ryan doesn’t think he’s moping too much over it until Spencer comes up to him before a show.

“He’s just freaked out. He’ll get over it. Don’t worry too much, okay?”

“I’m not worried. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Ryan.”

“I’m fine.”

“Maybe this is a good thing. You two spending some time apart. It’ll help you get over it.”

“Get over what, Spence!? I don’t know what you’re getting at here. I don’t give a shit if Brendon thinks I’ve got damn cooties. Let him ignore me, I don’t care!”

And of all the times Brendon chooses to be in the same vicinity as Ryan, why did it have to be right now after what he just said? He expects Brendon to curse at him or throw some sarcastic remark, but all his friend does is grab his drink from the coffee table and walk right out of their dressing room.

-

They’re at a party. He’s not exactly sure whose it is. They had met some kids after a show and they invited them to what he’s guessing is a college party. Ryan didn’t want to come but his bandmates were so quick to agree that he didn’t even have a chance to fight it. So, now here he was on some stranger’s couch just watching all the inebriated kids getting off on each other. Brendon was the first to fuck off, clearly still trying to stay away from Ryan. Jon went to use the bathroom and never returned. Spencer had stayed with him for a good while. His best friend had tried to coax him into going downstairs to the basement.

“I think they have a foosball table downstairs. Let’s go.”

“I’ll pass. Thanks.”

“C’mon, dude. You can’t just keep moping around. We’re at a party and there’s cute girls everywhere!” Spencer exclaims why waving his arms. And then more quietly “….and cute dudes too or whatever.”

“Spencer! God, no. I’m not looking for du- I’m not g- whatever just- just go. I’m fine.”

“I don’t know, man! I know your thing with Brendon so maybe there’s some other guy that-“

Ryan doesn’t hear the end of that sentence having decided to walk away from his best friend. Spencer means well, he knows he does. Ryan just feels so damn frustrated. He’s aware that Spencer knows about his feelings for their lead singer and yes, Ryan could vent to him about it but he can’t seem to voice it aloud.

The drummer is right, though. He has been moping. It’s been weeks since the incident in the dressing room and Brendon is still avoiding him. Ryan has tried to break the ice but to no avail.

He’ll get over it. That’s what Spencer had said. Their singer was just freaked out at the thought of people thinking that he and Ryan were romantically involved. Okay. That’s totally normal. Ryan could deal with the cold shoulder for a little while longer if that’s what it took to dispel those rumors. If that’s what it took for Brendon to feel comfortable around him again.

Ryan had made his way to the backyard of the house. Whoever lived here had to be fucking loaded. Not only was this place three stories high, but they had a huge back yard with a decent sized pool that was currently filled with drunk college kids and Jon.

Ryan had a found a quiet and shaded area towards the back. He thinks this may have been a small garden at some point. He’s about to sit down when he notices Brendon already sitting on the ground. The singer had a beer in his hand and was staring up at Ryan with a pained expression. And Ryan fucking hates that because he’s not used to getting those looks from Brendon. He’s used to receiving his laughs, smiles, and even his pouts when he’d want something from Ryan.

Ryan wants to walk away when Brendon stands up and grabs him by the waist and pulls him in. Ryan doesn’t even have time to register anything because the next thing he knows is that Brendon’s lips are on his. He tastes like alcohol and weed and Brendon kissed him too hard that it slightly hurt. This wasn’t how his first kiss with Brendon was supposed to go. All time that he’s imagine kissing Brendon, it was never like this. They never involved a drunk or high Brendon. They never involved a stranger’s party. None of his daydreams involved a mess of a night.

It took all he had in him to push Brendon away. The younger boy looks lost as he looks at Ryan. “I just- I thought you’d want this. I do. Why-“

“Brendon, stop!” He’s not sure if it’s because he yelled too loudly or him rejecting the kiss, but Brendon’s eyes are glistening and Ryan’s afraid the kid might start crying. He doesn’t want to make Brendon cry. Not when he’s drunk. Not when’s sober, not ever. Ryan runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a frustrated groan. “I want to kiss you. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a fucking long time, Bren. Just not like this.”

Brendon’s voice is shaky and timid as he replies. “Not at a party? Not in front of people? Ryan, I don’t care who sees! And if you do the-

Ryan doesn’t let him finish his sentence as he grabs him by the shoulders, shaking him a bit. “That’s not it. Brendon, you’re drunk! How do I know that you won’t wake up tomorrow and regret all of this!?”

“I’m not that drunk, Ryan. I know what I want.”

Ryan laughs sardonically and paces in the tiny area they’re in. “You do, huh? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me for weeks now? Is that why you’ve barely been able to look at me or touch me?”

Brendon steps closer to his friend as he fumbles for the right words to say. “I was just freaking out! I didn’t want Audrey to be right. I was scared. Dude, my parents are Mormons! I didn’t exactly grow up with the mentality that loving a dude was okay! But I don’t care anymore, I love you.”

And there’s those three simple words yet again. That four-letter word that makes Ryan’s skin crawl. His breathing is getting labored and no, he can’t do this. “I don’t want to do this. Not here, not like this. I can’t.” He’s starting to tremble and Ryan knows he needs to get out of here and find Spencer. Because the boy he’s been in love with for years just said he feels the same, but he’s drunk. And he knows that there’s a high possibility that Brendon is either going to forget about this or regret it. Ryan wants to leave but decides to address this boy once more before retreating.

His eyes are starting to fill up, but he needs to do this before he gives in to the attack. “If you still feel this way come morning, then we’ll talk. We’ll figure this thing out. But if you wake up and you realize how stupid you’re being right now, then just don’t say anything. Please. We’ll forget any of this happened and just go back to normal, okay? Because I won’t be able to deal with this any other way.”

And with that he rushes back inside to find Spencer, leaving a very drunk and distraught Brendon behind.

-

It’s noon when Brendon comes to see him in his hotel room. His hair is a mess and his face looks pale when Ryan opens the door for him. Ryan wants to offer him some of his leftover pizza that he ordered the night before, but all he can do is focus on his quaking heartbeat.

They sit down on his bed at least ten inches away from each other. Brendon isn’t looking at him but instead fumbling with a loose piece of thread on the comforter. Ryan’s about to speak up when Brendon finally looks at him.

“I’m sorry I kissed you last night.” And Ryan’s face must have visibly fallen because Brendon flails his arms at him.

“No, okay wait. I worded that wrong.” The singer takes a deep breath and scoots closer to Ryan. “I’m sorry I kissed you while I was drunk. You were right, it wasn’t the time or place to do that or to have that conversation. But you said that if I still felt the same in the morning, then we’d talk about it. And well, I do. I do feel the same, Ry. I’m sorry I was avoiding you. I’m sorry for being a shit friend these past few weeks, but I really was just freaked out.” Brendon moves to grab his hands and Ryan’s too nervous to even dare move. “I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a really long time. I’ve just been trying to ignore it, I guess. And it’s okay, you don’t have to say it back. But just know that I do and if you wanted then maybe we could give this a shot.”

Ryan feels his heartbeat quaking again and his breath is labored, but this time it’s not because of anxiety attack. This was excitement and hopefulness, because the boy he’s loved for so long is saying that he loves him too. And a part of him is so frightened that this was a dream and he’ll wake up to Brendon being repulsed by him, but the seconds pass by and he’s not being woken up.

Ryan lets go of a breath he’s been holding since Brendon grabbed his hands.

“I’d like that.”

And Brendon smiles so wide and his hand makes it’s way to Ryan’s cheek. And this time Ryan doesn’t have to think twice about leaning in. Their second kiss it isn’t rushed or forceful. It wasn’t that long, and it wasn’t the kind of kiss that you’d see in movies. But it was everything Ryan could have ever imagine. Brendon’s lips are warm against his, and Ryan can’t help the smile creeping up on his face. He pulls back and looks at Brendon. He looks at Brendon and think about what love is and what his mom said it meant. And although she never meant those words herself, Ryan believed her definition of it. And he’s never felt so strongly about anyone he’s ever met, except for this boy. This boy sitting in front of him, eyes shining and hopeful and still so damn sincere. And Ryan knows that he means it when he grabs Brendon’s hands and says,

“I love you.”

-

It’s a year later when Brendon meets Sarah Orzechowski.

And Ryan thinks that when Brendon said he loved him, he probably should have meant it.


End file.
